(Also Known as the Jaguar Jaguar Incident)
The following is an unfortunately true turn of events that happened to me in my days before being able to handle a partying situation. This is why you do not mix alcohol, an inability to drink, experienced friends and South African Mexican food together before going to fabulous night clubs in the shadow of Table Mountain, for terrible things shall occur.
7:00 p.m.- I am made aware that there is a magnificent club in Cape Town that I can get into on Thursday night, despite not meeting their age restrictions. I quickly get dressed and join my friends to go to dinner.
7:02- I become greatly excited towards this notion of a nightclub, having never experienced a proper one.
7:23- I am in a Mexican restaurant and margaritas are being ordered, I drink several glasses in rapid-fire succession, in the fashion of a starved wino. My friends watch me do this. Some chuckle at my idiocy.
7:34- My eyes become blurry, but I recover by drinking another Margarita.
7:36 – My vision clear, I put my hamburger (complete with chili pepper sauce) down but miss my plate, my attractive waitress laughs at me.
7:38- Three more pitchers hit the table. This time one green, one pink and one mixed. I decide that I must sample them all.
7:45- I have sampled them all
7:52-I sampled them all twice.
7:57-I leave, and walk home with a girl from my house, I profess my feelings for her the entire way back.
8:06- Arriving at home she tells me that I must be drunk, since I’ve been incoherently mumbling since we left the restaurant.
8:07- Fuck Tequila.
8:10- I get tangled up trying to take off my own shirt.
8:37- My roommate arrives, and cracks open a bottle of wine. I question his moral integrity.
8:49- We are waiting for girls, in my drunkenness I tell my roommate an elaborate formula of math that describes how large groups of women will always be late. He looks at me as though I declared I have extra-contagious leprosy.
9:45-We are waiting.
10:30- Still waiting, and we finish the wine bottle.
10:47- I tell him my theory is right, and he proceeds to get more liquor.
11:18- I state out loud that my feet probably won’t be able to walk well, from the booze. My roommate questions my national pride.
11:19- I slam my drink defiantly and trip headfirst into a cabinet.
11:21-My roommate tells me that my clothes suck, I respond with “Your words suck.” He proceeds to get my nicest clothes.
11:25- The girls are ready, and I whine at them for their tardiness, none of them are able to understand my critical words through the hazy slurring coming from my vocal chords.
11:43- We arrive at the club. The now legendary Jaguar Jaguar.
11:44-I nearly fall down an escalator.
11:46- There is a line, I detest lines, and decide it’s a good time for me to exercise my girl chasing game on the people around me.
11:48- There are none close enough for me to walk towards, as I have become a stumbling catastrophe, I publicly yell an obscenity. Apparently this was unexpected, as some people look at me with raising suspicion, and the ones who are close move away quickly.
11:56-I am at the front of the line. I raise my hand and pronounce my triumph. The gigantic Congolese bouncer spots me, and I smile up at him, trying to stand up straight. He is not amused. My friend Jonah sees my plight and rescues me by whisking me into the club, telling the giant, “We’re with all those chicks.”
12:00- I state aloud that I have reached my drunkest, and that I shouldn’t legally be allowed to drink anymore. I am promptly handed a beer. Then a double shot of tequila.
12:02-We go towards a table where our two buddies who play rugby are seated, I have a brief moment of clarity, I decide that this won’t end well, and I’m being horrifyingly irresponsible. The moment passes and I take a seat at this little round table.
12:05- Shooters are brought, they are multi-colored and textured, and they are on trays in large quantities. I am fascinated, in the way oncoming headlights fascinate a deer.
12:07-We do a round of shooters, I proclaim them to be delicious. My horrible friends encourage me to do more, and I oblige, grinning happily.
12:10-12:40- A period of nothing, no memories of my actions. My first true drunken black out. Those pesky friends of mine would later describe the events of that period as me taking a shot every two minutes. These were shots of everything, from Springboks to Tequila.
12:47- I wake up. My head is down on the table between my arms and I can’t lift it. I have a vague awareness that my life could be drastically altered for the worst. My stomach is rumbling to a ridiculous degree.
12:49- One friend approaches me and asks me if I need water, she is kind. I tell her to fuck herself, and she does not respond kindly.
12:51-The rumblings become a crescendo that I cannot suppress, I throw up in an extreme amount, but as I am unable to lift my head from between my arms it becomes a concentrated overflowing fountain.
12:51-The same angry bouncer sees this, his line of sight is aided by most of my friends running away from me in fear/disgust.
12:51-Jonah, that same kindhearted soul who got me into the club, is dancing with a beautiful girl. He is in the zone and having the night of his life. He sees my situation and abandons her to come to my aid.
12:52-Both the giant bouncer and Jonah reach me simultaneously. Each grabs a shoulder and I’m yanked out of a chair.
12:54-I fall in the bathroom on brief pit stop of being whisked out the club. I am causing a scene and being that guy, I cannot remember this.
12:58-I wake up staring at the ceiling of a fancy Cape Town shopping center. I am between two escalators and there is a plastic palm tree above me. I am frightened. Jonah and beautiful girl are standing over me, and talking although none of their words make sense. I only hear “I’m taking him home, damn.” From Jonah. I fear I have ruined his chances. Just then our Italian buddy steps in save the day, offering to get me home.
1:00-1:30- A varied series of drunken memory blips, being thrown into a cab, crying with my head out the window, yelling for God to intervene, talking to the security guard at my house.
6:00- I wake up. I am confused; my room smells of death and bad choices. I am in a beanbag chair. I am entirely naked.
6:10- There are people in my room. Including the beautiful girl in Jonah’s bed. Good for him. I find my clothes in a garbage bag in the shower. They deserve to be burned as they are entirely covered.
7:00- I wander outside fully dressed and ready for work. I actively curse at the sun and my friends. I am still drunk.
7:03-I question my life choices.